https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/fall-2019 daily 1.0 2020-03-16 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd5018157732b1cdbf539/1570074200548/Post140.png Fall 2019 “Who would have thought that white parents choosing to sue Ivy League schools after their kids didn’t get accepted with ACT scores of 30 would give us so much work,” wonders Eliza Pollinger (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dd419e30fb697248c34903b/1574181352335/Post204.png Fall 2019 “Honey, look at this! I think Spencer would be happier at Yale than at a state school. Is there enough money in the offshore accounts to donate a new building or something?” exclaims Tim Norman (‘91). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8c3f6108c622711b1a7c90/1570073927137/Post142.png Fall 2019 “He sucked at kissing too. I’m still waiting for him to text back, but just so that I can tell him that I’m not interested,” says Sam Reilly (‘23). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dd418868ca6f6715d43b123/1574181003344/Post201.png Fall 2019 “It’s like woads in there. I had to push through the entire Men’s Crew, Women’s Swim, and Women’s Volleyball Teams,” explains a breathless Dara Puzanski (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eea35fd82d42cb2899af8/1584327223752/Post218.png Fall 2019 “Can you believe that I will be impeached today by the Radical Left, Do Nothing Democrats, AND I DID NOTHING WRONG!! Don’t they know who my dad is? How much money he donated to Penn?” tweeted Donald Trump (Penn ‘68). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ace8a7b462c2363f07c23/1570073550996/Post156.png Fall 2019 “We just all figured that our sounds worked better individually. When we realized that the entire group wanted to sing the bass, alto, and soprano parts at the same time, we realized we were only holding each other back,” explained Paula Traynor (’21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ebef21ba1f5dbfd6391d/1573055473569/Post189.png Fall 2019 “I told them that I had mono. It totally worked,” brags Tim Winehouse (‘20). “It’s been extended to Thursday, but I really want to go to woads.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2e95e6f253f06137d2e71/1573054816367/Post183.png Fall 2019 “I really didn’t think I would miss the kids I went to high school with, the stupid sandwich shop that everyone loves for no reason, and the overwhelming boredom. I was absolutely right,” says Laurie Greer (’22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e9034a5e4d02f2da2380/1572923653310/Post172.png Fall 2019 “This cough? No, it’s just a seasonal thing. The burning sensation in my lungs is just from the secondhand smoke at LEO,” explains Louie Cabaret (’20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd9fa0675282db89aa6ca/1570074478423/Post131.png Fall 2019 “They’ve already started calling me ‘Mom’. It’s pretty weird, especially when all of the boys in my group are trying to hook up with me,” sighs Sarah Waylon (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc97f21b083796a8ba63320/1573486374224/Post199.png Fall 2019 “If anything, it’s more of a testament to my concept of space and the ability to function with limited resources,” explains Sara Boeman (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ac9e57b462c2363f03f14/1570073459322/Post162.png Fall 2019 “Oh, shit. I knew we were missing something...” mentioned Kate Xu (‘21) as the nineteenth person asked about tater tots. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd81b1d33674f2b8c6d4e/1570074339279/Post135.2.png Fall 2019 “Ever since he moved in and we both brought ‘Saturday’s are for the Boys’ flags, I knew it was fate,” explains Kyle Monahan (‘23). “I also happened to notice that we both follow Fifth Year on Instagram.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd8956412ab652b4ac882/1570074365477/Post134.png Fall 2019 “If I accept, will they end up blackmailing me in twenty years? I’m considering a presidential run in 2060.” says Joe Ostertag (‘23). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5de92e08275d993d098faac0/1575562761957/Post209.png Fall 2019 “It’s perfect for those 3-hour panic naps I have to take every once in a while. I’m so happy I took Psych and the Good Life,” says Joey Baker (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cda553b747142ae794c65/1570074507873/Post124.png Fall 2019 “I don’t think I’m cut out for academia. The hours are long and there isn’t much in terms of career mobility. This has nothing to do with the entry level salary of a programmer at Google,” explains Ciara Chang (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e89faa47bf4549b73ac2/1572923555849/Post164.png Fall 2019 For the first time in our history, YAWN agrees with the YDN: accessibility to beer IS an important cornerstone of the Yale experience. What’s more important? Familiarizing yourself with the hoops that low-income students need to jump through. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1a874e753be26f8774987/1572972664437/Post166.png Fall 2019 “Did you really think we wouldn’t remember the 5 Jonas Brothers albums? The Lil Wayne music videos? All those episodes of ‘The Suite Life of Zack and Cody’?” inquires Bill Matheson, father of Sara Matheson (’22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e2a13de3e08b951a49b1299/1579815906930/Post214.png Fall 2019 “So cool meeting you last night, bro. Let’s get a meal sometime!” read the texts of Henri Capa (‘23). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ad0d58b9bdb5186e05559/1570073720808/Post150.png Fall 2019 “It’s always raining here. When I was in LA, it was always sunny. I would go for a run or something if Yale didn’t suck so much,” says Paul Lin (‘22) during a perfect 68 degree day. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ee68380bb847d9f6ab11/1573056133899/Post194.png Fall 2019 “Check out my costume. I’m a feminist tonight. I’m all like ‘I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren!’ and ‘Yes babe, I’m going to stop flirting with your best friends!’,” says Paul Ruiz (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ace418b9bdb5186e03a49/1570073522813/Post157.png Fall 2019 “I swear to god, if I hear ‘radar’ one more time, I’m going to snap,” fumed Ricardo Alvarez (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ac9708b9bdb5186e0033a/1570073438202/Post159.png Fall 2019 “There aren’t even drinks here, bro. Did you talk to their social chair? This seems horribly organized,” whines Harry Washburn (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8c3e6a3b747142ae7392cb/1570073850379/Post145.1.png Fall 2019 “We figured we’d ease back into it,” explained the Rumpus EIC. “It’ll be exciting to have another group of people under fire for tasteless humor that ‘had good intentions’.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8c3eba08c622711b1a78d1/1570073873076/Post144.png Fall 2019 “I can’t believe he didn’t let me in,” blasts Stella Green (‘21). “I even sent him 3 emails about my childhood trauma and my interest in the course. I think I got a more articulate response from the guy who left me on read after woads.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e73339784504a015a9d4/1572923191676/Post163.png Fall 2019 “As a double major balancing three E-Board positions, society twice a week, lab work, community service, and job applications, it can be hard to make it all work. I’m just grateful that I’m working on my certificate in American Sign Language so that I could contribute to this meeting,” signs Jeremiah Rosenzweig (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d96c2ec5160134817f5efa5/1570161392692/Post113.png Fall 2019 YAWN’s favorite weekend activities, you ask? We’re big fans of spending quality time admiring Yale’s interior design (read: studying), intensive self-care and meditation (read: depression napping), and exaggerating on our resumes (read: the previous activities). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ad125b5782903479563c5/1570073747814/Post149.png Fall 2019 “Have I mentioned my breakup? Or was it when I tried to walk on to the soccer team? Sorry, maybe it was when I rushed? Whatever it was, it really shaped my Yale experience,” explains Alex Ruggeri (’20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ad02c0b76e766c8f55d49/1570073668704/Post152.png Fall 2019 “I managed to convince the kid at the door that I was on the list that they had. I was explaining to my friends how I did it when the tournament coordinator walked by, and next thing I knew, I was handed a trophy,” boasts Paul Nguyen, a high school junior. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dcb72381c9bb248f63c5c22/1573614141105/Post200.png Fall 2019 “Ever since saying she summered in the Hamptons during her bio, we knew we had to go,” explains Chase Gendry (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8acdf4b578290347953e0c/1570073502831/Post158+copy.png Fall 2019 “This is super big in Seoul right now. They, like, love the clumsy look,” explained Lia Mayhall (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dd857b7fafde645e021908f/1574459323658/Post205.png Fall 2019 “We fucking hate this place!! But we also hate Harvard a lot more!” scream Eric Ryan (‘22) and Baxter Collins (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cdb128157732b1cdc5f6d/1570074579731/Post123.png Fall 2019 “He’s just walking all over it… Am I on the wrong side of history for thinking that’s cute?” ponders James Reisling (’22). “I know it’s supposed to be a symbol for women of Yale, but an oblivious, jowly slob using it for his benefit is just so on-the-nose. Does Yale finally get it?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d951db535bc6f4984fa8aa2/1570074646525/Post121.png Fall 2019 “Yale’s pretty gloomy and I don’t see the sun much. My therapist said I’d come out of my depression after the winter,” explains a morose James Grail (‘21). “I spend 8 hours a day on this beach surrounded by people having fun. All I want to do is sleep and watch ‘The Bachelorette’. Maybe the fall will be better.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d96c3603f33fc06bf01c52f/1570161508740/Post112.1.png Fall 2019 “It’s not about where you end up working, how much money you make, or the stock options that you’re going to get paid in,” whispers Sarah Abidi (’19). “It isn’t about even being able to retire at 31. It’s about loving what you do, even if you have to work as a barista with your crippling student loans because Yale forgot to give everyone financial aid.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc5833ee3c33a4d9dda7ea4/1573225282623/Post198.png Fall 2019 “I just wanted a few vodka sodas. Now I’m being asked to race in Tokyo? The track and field kids have been giving me dirty looks all week,” huffs Paul James (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1ac1ae753be26f877aff4/1572973595895/Post179.png Fall 2019 “They still smell fine. I wore them out last night, but I only had them on for four hours or so,” muses Sebastian Cramer (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1ae305df18f0235619954/1572974135752/Post182.png Fall 2019 “I just really wanted everyone to sit in my pee. It adds to the art,” says Steve Vance (‘21). “If they’re gonna leave the seat down, I’m going to capitalize on the opportunity.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8c3e14e0db8f0acafe9b02/1570073819897/Post146.png Fall 2019 Just like a night during move-in week, Jammie Jams is uncomfortable, sweaty, and a little less fun than you’d expect. At least you get to see your friends, and you won’t feel bad passing out in what you wore to the frats. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e804aeb09c7dd2037fac/1572923399656/Post168.png Fall 2019 “We would never deal with such disgusting monsters. Our donation money is never coated with the blood of innocent people,” announces President Salovey to the protesters outside of his office. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e793156a4b276923854f/1572923285055/Post165.png Fall 2019 “Hey, I hate to remind you, but can you get that to me ASAP?” whispers Peter Salovey. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8c3dba6412ab652b4515f9/1570073797987/Post147.png Fall 2019 “It’s really quite inconsiderate. They’re constantly smoking cigarettes, calling Galantis ‘house music’, and talking about their time in Amsterdam,” explains Scamper Littletail, rat resident of LEO. “We thought we’d gotten rid of them a couple of years ago, but I don’t think you can ever keep them away.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dd9d22c460bea394433984f/1574556209239/Post206.png Fall 2019 “Did I just get negged? He made fun of my 1580 and then left. Is it bad that I want to text him?” ponders Sara Zimmerman (‘23). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eeac56f379e1858c94ccc/1584327367916/Post219.png Fall 2019 “We’re so proud that the group of non-athletes accepted early is so large this year. It’s usually only two or three, and their parents are donors,” explains Jeremiah Quinlan, Dean of Admissions. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ef5fdd9e64690d0de4bd/1573056356813/Post196.png Fall 2019 “If you haven’t registered, I can’t let you in. This is the Democratic Party, bro. The Republican Party is down there,” explains Kenan Schecter (’20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2eab394602922a21533b4/1573055161666/Post186.png Fall 2019 “I can’t go to Yale if it’ll just consist of me crying in bed, pulling all nighters, and falling down the Sig Ep stairs in front of everyone I know. If I knew that I would never make time to go to college teas or randomly run into John Kerry on the street I never would’ve applied early,” says Alyssa Martinez (’22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd57f3b747142ae78fbd7/1570074243335/Post139.png Fall 2019 “I don’t get much sleep but I definitely don’t need coffee to function,” explains Layla Coughlin (‘21). “I just get headaches and can’t see until I’ve had at least four cups. I’m happy Atticus made it easy for me to get my fix.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1acaac2099b5f24d6d563/1572973744135/Post181.png Fall 2019 “In the face of a ban on hard alcohol, we’ve still found ways to make it look like we’re drinking our mixed drinks. It’s pretty hard to pull off,” brags Connor Austen (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8acf7269eec35484deaab7/1570073602729/Post154.png Fall 2019 “I’m just really talented,” boasts Jamie Adams (’20). “I’ve been blessed with the capacity to read AND do math, and it’s been such a struggle to be wanted by so many fields.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1a9dbeff5aa60bbb959e7/1572973025528/Post178.png Fall 2019 “I’m not being ironic. I just don’t like how the manicure looks. If I fuck it up, my parents will pay for a new one...’steal from the rich, you know?’” says Billy Sumner (‘23). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5de92e44864be24817494f83/1575562824935/Post210.png Fall 2019 “I’ve got practice in the morning. I need to be ready to go,” says Brett Ryan (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e86139784504a015c5b2/1572923494272/Post170.png Fall 2019 “Statistically, 78% of couples who meet at Yale have children who end up applying. What better way to ensure future donations for the university?” asks Rita Polanski, board member of Yale. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e2a143a61fce205781c3632/1579815995495/Post215.png Fall 2019 “What’s your mile time?” yells Kyle Allen (‘21) from 3 staircases down. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1a904349f3479dd7ca15f/1572972806737/Post176.png Fall 2019 Did your parents book a reservation at Harvest or Heirloom? We’re looking to be adopted and we’re hungry. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ea4010b50d3abdd9673c/1573055044970/Post185.png Fall 2019 Come on, leave some tickets for us — we want to resell them for profit like the rest of you. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6ee9b7e095af7f340d04d5/1584327098709/Post217.png Fall 2019 “I also haven’t slept for three days,” proudly announces Ashley Barth (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d951d4e728b771672b94ef8/1570074612122/Post122.png Fall 2019 “If we all storm the door at once they can’t stop us,” claimed Matt Stevens (‘23) to a group of first-years. “Like, our IDs don’t get here until November and we’d get in anyway. It’s just a numbers game.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e962aa47bf4549b7507d/1572923748666/Post171.png Fall 2019 “I’ve been struggling with this since the first question was posted to the ECON 115 Piazza page,” said a distressed Jake Green (‘23). “I felt a need to answer pulsing through my veins and I’ve never turned back.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5de92d9fb666e7040321f0e3/1575562659876/Post208.png Fall 2019 “Are you feeling what I’m feeling right now? I invited you to my cubicle to study, but now our knees are touching and… woah. First we’re sharing these pset answers, who knows what’s next?” asks Dom Cavalli (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e6cbc6c7956e5fb868ea/1572923087986/Post161.png Fall 2019 “Has anyone seen my bag?” asks Charles Oppenheimer Jr. (’23). “I had my Gucci button-down in it…it was right there...” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dd4190bb036cc38a0325762/1574181135477/Post202.png Fall 2019 “There are no records of a student named Josh Rand at this school. I’ve never seen them, ordered the deletion of their identity from the University, or sent them to Canada under a new name. Absolutely not,” says Peter Salovey. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d96c4179b8fbc203a10e439/1570161692339/Post110.png Fall 2019 We’d suggest taking a deep breath and not basing your happiness on the grade that you get, but getting blackout drunk in Myrtle also works. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ef0421ba1f5dbfd698bd/1573056264884/Post195.png Fall 2019 “Do you guys mind if I just skip straight to the elite college tile? I don’t really feel like going through the effort or risk of following the path by the rules,” says Bill Wu (‘23). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1a9775df18f0235611dfb/1572972926134/Post177.png Fall 2019 “I really like you, but I like you more as a friend. I don’t really need to see your one-man performance of ‘Cats’ where you play all of the cats and also the lampposts,” explains Karlie Reed (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ad06f4cea087d126adce1/1570073698709/Post151.png Fall 2019 “Hey guys? Wait, can I-… can I just slide in here? Hey guys, that tree blocked me. Guys…..” begs Ariana Joyce (’22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd7983b747142ae791a7e/1570074304942/Post136.png Fall 2019 “I really want to take you’re class. I think women, culture, and food are all electric,” writes Bryan Brody (’22) in his application to WGSS120. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d96c27e9929ff5b4526354b/1570161284413/Post114.1.png Fall 2019 “It’s the only way students without trust funds or rich grandparents will learn to work hard,” explains Peter Salovey. “How else will they gain the sense of responsibility for their education? Certainly not without student debt and 3 jobs.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2eb1d380bb847d9f64c8b/1573055263961/Post187.png Fall 2019 “Yeah, everything’s fine. I promise,” says Jennifer Allen (‘21) from underneath a pile of laundry. “I’ve seen Hoarders but this isn’t like that. I’ll clean up by the end of the week.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8acfd5b63159585baa7941/1570073637315/Post153.png Fall 2019 ”You’re going to have to wait until someone leaves. I can’t do anything about it, this comes from the top. Doesn’t matter who you know in there or who’s waiting for you,” explained Curtis Kramer, the bouncer at the door. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e2a138c938ff048be3c52ef/1579815822311/Post213.png Fall 2019 “I’ll miss the way he graded my p-sets 3 weeks after I handed them in,” reminisces Jessica Shultz (’22). “It was worth getting to stare at his jawline.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd48ee0db8f0aca042166/1570074170116/Post141.png Fall 2019 For any Yalie with a parent in finance, this one is for you! ❤️ https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e2a14a03e08b951a49b463c/1579816100629/Post216.png Fall 2019 “Go flirt with the kid standing awkwardly in the corner. I don’t care if he’s in PoR and wears the same Allbirds every day,” explains Anna Watkins, OCS employee. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ecbd44cdca7316f56a0b/1573055679630/Post191.png Fall 2019 “Pancakes will be served in the rainforest room. Don’t worry, we won’t judge your DFMO,” says Branford FroCo Chaz Howard (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dd4197476d4226b2a8bc8e5/1574181240837/Post203.png Fall 2019 “I know we haven’t spoken since AP Chemistry and only hung out like twice in high school, but I miss you so much! Let’s catch up this weekend – also, can I crash in your suite? See you Friday!” texts an unknown number (presumably Harvard ’21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2eb8a8187a732207c6683/1573055376408/Post188.png Fall 2019 “Hell no, they can’t collect my data. But yours is definitely fair game. I know all about your embarrassing finsta and your sixth grade obsession with Selena Gomez,” explains Maya Rie (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd9980675282db89aa22f/1570074447432/Post130.png Fall 2019 “Holy shit, she’s glowing. Do you think she’d give me advice on my makeup or something?” whispers Jamie Ital (’22). “I’ve never seen someone look that good after carrying 7 boxes up 3 flights of stairs.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ed90dd9e64690d0db2c6/1573055893461/Post193.png Fall 2019 “These kids are really paying $6 for a bag of chips. Do you think a kid with a trust fund is checking the price when he’s blackout?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ed2c21ba1f5dbfd66082/1573055793315/Post192.png Fall 2019 “I can’t stop shaking. Was that real? Is my summer internship in trouble?” says a visibly frightened Sammy Crewdson (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1a7593504586f4cba6964/1572972378734/Post173.png Fall 2019 “They say that EP&E attracts and produces some of Yale’s greatest intellectual talent. We are all well versed in the bare bones of political theory, economics, and ethics,” explains Omar Kahn (‘21). “We know a little bit about a few things and use that limited knowledge to extrapolate excuses for why the rich should stay richer.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2ec5f380bb847d9f66edf/1573055588053/Post190.png Fall 2019 “I have an advisor meeting on Thursday morning, but I’m cancelling it. There’s no way I’m showing up with my Hallowoads hangover,” scoffs Yasmin Khan (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc2e9e88187a732207c3b54/1573054956900/Post184.png Fall 2019 “I’m proud to announce that I’ll be accepting my offer as a gentrification analyst. My dad, who funds human rights violations, is super proud of me,” reads the LinkedIn post of Taylor Clarke (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd71d4c04a40714d9689c/1570074272584/Post137.png Fall 2019 “Don’t waste your time thinking you’ll be an Econ major or put all of your hopes and aspirations into getting a bid from greek life.” explains a “definitely not bitter” Jay Whittaker (’20). “I mean, I never made those mistakes but doesn’t mean you can’t learn” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd8e915c46a712a155284/1570074420218/Post133.png Fall 2019 “How crazy is it that we’re on the Sig Ep roof? Alicia loved her roof. She was hotter than you, but that’s ok,” explains David Faust (’23). “Let’s keep standing here until one of us makes a move.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5de195d011c57f436307e68e/1575065046725/Post207.png Fall 2019 “I left my clothes back in the stands, guys! When are you all getting naked? What’s Divestment?” asks a nervous Sam Chen (‘23). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8aced1b578290347954516/1570073576150/Post155.png Fall 2019 “I’m sick and tired of this trip. The fact that we have to shit in a hole is ridiculous,” whined Ciara Kaine (’22) while being tossed around by a 1200-pound grizzly bear. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d951e0a35bc6f4984fa90bd/1570074676140/Post115.png Fall 2019 Come on, YAWN loves your... pencil drawings? Paintings? Photography? Writing? Whatever you do, we’re sure it’s great. We’re definitely not looking for things we can pull up to make fun of you behind your back - how could you ever have a passion outside of resume builders? https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8acd8f8b9bdb5186e0343b/1570073479436/Post160.png Fall 2019 THIS IS NOT A DRILL! HE IS BACK FOR THE WEEKEND! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cdaa008c622711b2092e9/1570074540612/Post117.png Fall 2019 “I’m thinking about triple majoring,” explained Alex Ono (‘22). “I think I can fit in six classes this semester if I optimize my time spent eating, sleeping, and actively maintaining my will to live.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ad1c2b63159585baa8f87/1570073772185/Post148.png Fall 2019 “I just really fucking love this shirt,” professed Johnny Webb (‘21). “How else can I show off the fact that I can sing?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8c3f006412ab652b4522e5/1570073894357/Post143.png Fall 2019 In a first-year dormitory bathroom, filled with cockroaches, broken faucets, an individual pube, and gross shower floors, YAWN (that’s us) will try to do the impossible: create a guide to help you survive L-Dub bathrooms. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc38ec08c948a56dcb7820d/1573097158198/Post197.png Fall 2019 “‘In Da Club’ is an absolute banger. I peaked in 2003,” exclaims Jack Vermeer (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd1b23b747142ae78bf12/1569509873239/Post159.png Fall 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd20408c622711b200979/1569509895714/Post162.png Fall 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd2181d33674f2b8c1039/1569509949336/Post160.png Fall 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd268eb5f94476749a506/1569377788326/Post158+copy.png Fall 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd27915c46a712a14eafe/1569377865385/Post157.png Fall 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd2890675282db89a34e8/1569377935438/Post156.png Fall 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8cd2946412ab652b4a5e17/1569378092343/Post155.png Fall 2019 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https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eeaa2a53943154acdc1ee/1584327310644/Post219.png Fall 2019 https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/spring-2019 daily 0.75 2019-11-05 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac5fa0ca99491c9a643c18/1571577767637/Post54.png Spring 2019 We here at YAWN would rather you leave your non-denominational holiday lights up year round, but it’s been three months. It’s time to move on. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db9024c3799b8041e934308/1572405837686/Post41.png Spring 2019 “Well, the door was unlocked and I really needed a place to have my meltdown. My world is coming down around me, my friends suck, and everything is hopeless. You can use the room if you have it booked, though”, sniffles Alex Thomas (’20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8a3caaf6b5aa1d3c46d855/1570073364554/Post3.png Spring 2019 “Fuck”, James Tallish (‘19), whispers under his breath. “Will my roommates find out if I tell this girl I’m not like the other guys she’s hooked up with at Sig Ep? I care about feelings and stuff. I bought her Junzi before she came over - that’s more than enough, right? Please tell me you agree with me. But don’t tell my friends. I don’t want them thinking I’m soft.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52a058a832f0bdd561f98/1571105288450/Post86.png Spring 2019 “I know I drank most of the mimosas, but you’re still paying for half of the bill. It’s only fair!” whines Julia Tang (‘20). “I charge everything to my mom’s account but I still need you to venmo me.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da527258a832f0bdd55f68a/1571104553608/Post94.png Spring 2019 “It’s been a dry semester, if you get my drift,” confesses Molly Singh (’22). ”But now it’s the end of April and everyone’s like ‘who got Molly!? We want Molly!’ Form an orderly line, boys.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db909aa519a7150a905b5c7/1572407726276/Post26.png Spring 2019 We at Yale Actual Weekly News know that Yale isn’t great at STEM, but consider this as scientific as the periodic table. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4eb3feb655643a778de85/1571089223249/Post107.png Spring 2019 As Yale approaches the end of another year, YAWN prepares itself for our favorite activity: following rich kids around and snatching up whatever designer clothes they’re unable to bring home. We don’t have a preference on size - as long as we can participate in conversations at Atticus about the laundry service (which YAWN doesn’t have) destroying our designer-label goods (which YAWN also doesn’t have), we’re happy. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90fa057fbbb0401e6e657/1572409252014/Post12.png Spring 2019 The 5’8”, 120-pound Sean Goldman smiles as he shows the Yale Actual Weekly News his tinder profile on the Chi Psi porch. He explains that his “abs are fire” and that he’s “proud of the work he puts in for his abs”. Upon further investigation, YAWN can say with confidence that Sean’s eight ribs are more pronounced than his abs. When asked about his ideal first date, Sean gazed blankly back at the YAWN correspondent. “I didn’t ever think about getting that far.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabc132aa1e3231b4c8b89f/1571537207021/Post62.png Spring 2019 “The Versace family has never given anything to the university. I would never accept a bribe. Why are you asking me about my jacket? This was a gift from my friend because I helped him move,” sputters Jeremiah Quinlan, Yale’s Dean of Undergraduate Admissions. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e605d0b16d629e7c65e1/1572922886810/Post4.png Spring 2019 “You were amazing. So was I, right? You had fun, right? Did you feel that connection? I think we have a connection. Where are you going? Come cuddle. Why are you putting your shirt on. You can sleep here if you want. Oh, alright, I’ll see you soon? Text me?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db902ff57fbbb0401e63bc1/1572406016497/Post33.png Spring 2019 “These spaces with their high percentages of A’s are truly toxic. I went to Exeter and should be honored for my academic success,” remarks 3.3 student Rebecca Simon (’19), “Just because I haven’t been to class in 2 semesters doesn’t mean I’m not trying. What do you expect me to do? Leave my apartment?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabbd553f6e9725bbdd4d3d/1571536218067/Post71.png Spring 2019 “Can read binary, can’t read. Stroked and choked with a USB-C cable. My Webkinz starved and I... just... watched...,” said an emotionless John Kandinsky (‘21) to his test administrator through one way glass. “But what is happiness?” The administrator quietly asked, leading to John screaming, and violently shaking back and forth. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabbf5851bf6e19d657e1ef/1571536732454/Post66.png Spring 2019 “It’s crazy how I just ended up here,” says a surprised Sophie Park (‘19). “I just wanted to eat my Durfee swipe in this perfectly curated outfit (complete with this windbreaker I definitely thrifted) with my hair blowing in the wind. I had no idea I’d see anyone. Wait - it’s golden hour? No way!” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5daf9088388b9d5733ecedea/1571786891921/Post50.png Spring 2019 “Has anybody seen my bag? My mom got it for me for my half birthday. It means a lot to me” pleads Anya Sachinko (‘22) to the Toad’s employee at lost and found. “Please help me look. That had my wallet in it, and I can pay you if you help me find it.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d96c5631871e21d0394bde7/1570162023015/Post108.png Spring 2019 “It was just a cough! IT WAS JUST A COUGH,” screamed Mo Pollack (’21) as four enraged EP&E majors surrounded him. Much like Julius Caesar, Mo was later found in the Nave with various writing implements lodged in his back. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90c1057fbbb0401e6be47/1572408340303/Post24.png Spring 2019 “It’s just something I got at the Salvation Army. You have to know where to look”, explained Skyler Rojas, class of 2021. “I got really into corsets when I was at LSE, but they don’t make them like they used to. Thrifting is so good for reducing your carbon footprint, and I’m an environmentalist.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52b3ff67f2217cb3271f1/1571105602822/Post82.png Spring 2019 “Shit,” says Arielle Simon (‘20). “Didn’t we agree that Tuesday was my day? Amir, you said you wanted the weekends.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db903efae69931bf8d84c1c/1572406259107/Post38.png Spring 2019 “We did it to survive. The north face thermals did nothing to protect us,” Eric Kramer (‘22) whispered into the Battell chapel confessional. “Don’t worry, father - I said grace before going down on her. Also, my friend wants to know that if god was watching, did we have a threesome?” From us here at YAWN moonlighting in the confession booth, you’re our hero, Eric. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac5d1b51bf6e19d65c310e/1571577123944/Post60.png Spring 2019 “Damn, I really hope our plane gets stuck on the tarmac so I can stay in this seat all vacation,” said James Sharpe (’20) to his neighbor. “Home sucks because there’s nothing to do and school sucks because there’s too much to do. All I want to do is watch ’13 Going On 30’ for six hours while wearing a pillow that’s only comfortable because it functionally replaces my neck.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4ecd076942e1043aaae10/1571089621388/Post104.png Spring 2019 “I really didn’t think it was all that bad. The writing tutor I went to began crying, but I thought it was because he was moved by my connection of The Odyssey to my seventh grade lacrosse tournament performance,” says Luka Montrell (’22). “I left to get a donut and the next thing I knew, fire trucks were pulling up. That wasn’t my fault, right?" https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da532e0005d496e5fff6075/1571107555849/Post76.png Spring 2019 “You talked and we listened! Beginning April 8th, Yale Dining will no longer have any vegetables or meats to pick around to get to that tasty, tasty vegetable oil. By enabling students to stick to a wheat-free, dairy-free, kosher, halal, vegan diet, we project that students will continue to be forced to buy the prohibitively expensive dining plan,” proudly announces James Callahan, president of Yale Dining. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52adb71d42d14547204ce/1571105503927/Post83.png Spring 2019 “We just thought she’d be a good fit. Our 35 minute lunch together really highlighted her passion for philanthropy and sisterhood. Doesn’t hurt that she’s from the Upper West Side and went to Andover,” explains Theta member Caitlyn Ellison (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db906ed142fba69a22ef3c6/1572407025594/Post31.png Spring 2019 The Yale Actual Weekly News Team hopes that we aren’t on the list for this one. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90b83254c3b391851bd0a/1572408198996/Post23.png Spring 2019 When asked if she was going home for break, Melanie Xiao, JE Class of 2019, responded with the following: “That’s a tough question because, well, home is really a combination of Dubai, NYC, Singapore, and Geneva, but I’ll be spending spring break at my family’s house in Turks and Caicos which is honestly like a fifth home to me. They’ve all really shaped me.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4ed3fc7d8697710e3cd87/1571089732268/Post103.png Spring 2019 For those who may not be aware, one of YAWN’s jokes was stolen and defaced: UChicago believes we’d let this slide. They’re dead wrong. YAWN assumed that we’d be cited in the not-so-aptly named Chicago style, but we found ourselves scratching our heads at the attempt to censor our logo. Stick to MS paint, guys. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da530764e114a6aa63d4e0c/1571106944124/Post79.png Spring 2019 In a shocking turn of events, YAWN has uncovered that the only man they can trust in floral is Timothee Chalamet. Despite the additional red flag of a Patagonia quarter-zip paired with a button down shirt, khakis, and boat shoes, YAWN learned that no he doesn’t just dress like a dick, he is a dick. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4edde2373ff1cd80b94f4/1571089892184/Post102.png Spring 2019 “I thought it would be funny. I didn’t realize that she was serious about her mental break. You can’t blame me though - I got over 500 likes,” says Alex Pollack (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac5dd73f6e9725bbe1e1f4/1571577309712/Post58.png Spring 2019 “You have no idea how hard it was for me in high school. I couldn’t go to the Hamptons for after-prom because my mom said I ‘had to attend my aunt’s funeral’ even though Aunt Sarah was faking it for tax reasons”, whines Charlie Kemp (’20). “My ACT tutor came twice a week. I needed a private admissions counselor because my school’s college services sucked. Don’t try to comfort me. You couldn’t imagine what I’ve been through.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da534c8795ff93b40f1b9ed/1571108043688/Post73.png Spring 2019 “It was just a stroke of genius, I guess. I’ve never gotten so many laughs when I showed people my Instagram bio,” brags Sara Tucker (’22). “I never expected the committee to recognize my achievement, but they called. And here we are.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da5278b8a832f0bdd55ffa5/1571104654465/Post93.png Spring 2019 “Yeah I have 56 pages to write before the end of the year and 4 exams,” remarks Casey Brown (‘20). “No, I haven’t been to class since before spring break. I’ve been sitting outside in the nice weather and posting on Instagram a lot. Who knew doing literally none of the readings for any of my classes or showing up wouldn’t pay off? I thought everyone gets an A.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da5285fb4737410bc4e8099/1571104866285/Post91.png Spring 2019 “I think it’ll be a great resume builder and will really show your adaptability, Mr. Uzi Vert,” says Derek Webster, head of the Office of Career Strategy. “I think your resume is lacking when it comes to diversity in performance location. You’d be a better candidate for Goldman with a more rounded skillset. By the way - could you sign my t-shirt?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabc1a07fa9ab448c9da479/1571537323959/Post63.png Spring 2019 With the Billy Zhao Arts Library of Interior Design and Classic Hollywood Films set to open in May, Billy Zhao (’22) is nervous that the building will give his peers the wrong idea. “I worked just as hard as everybody else at this school. Just because my parents made a donation during my application period doesn’t mean I didn’t earn my place here. I deserve it just as much as anybody else here,” Billy explains. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4eeba76942e1043aad644/1571090110605/Post99.png Spring 2019 Oh god, they’re coming. Brace yourself. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4ef2b6715ab16857b3d23/1571090226140/Post98.png Spring 2019 “We’ve never seen anything like it,” says John Harris, Board of Guinness Book of World Records. “Chlamydia, HIV/AIDS, Crabs, Actual Crabs - you name it, it’s in there. Disgusting, but riveting: a primordial soup of STIs. Who knows what’s in the punch.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabc0b6fe152f3a7a976204/1571537080913/Post61.png Spring 2019 “I was just trying to send out an Instagram poll,” explains a giggly Lilly DeMars (‘20). “The question was ‘where should I fly to’ and the options were the Bahamas and Fiji. How was I supposed to notice my parent’s jet in the background? I had my mimosa in my hand and the sun looked nice so I took the photo on the tarmac.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db901ff5b4dbb23581e30f0/1572405761376/Post42.png Spring 2019 “I got lost and they just stuck me out on stage. I have no idea how I got here. Can someone get me back to Woodbridge Hall where I can ignore student issues?” a visibly confused Peter Salovey begged of a campaign aide. This was after a rousing speech in which the Yale president referred to Trump as “the least emotionally intelligent human being alive”. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90129142fba69a22e9255/1572405547555/Post44.png Spring 2019 YAWN ran into Jamie Curtis (‘19) right as she was packing up on the 5th floor of the stacks. Jamie told YAWN the following: “It’s annoying because there’s so much pounding and screwing happening up here. I came to the stacks to get away from the loud construction going on in the nave because I really need to work on my thesis. I guess other people wanted to get busy up here, too.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db904b5ae69931bf8d85b2f/1572406455099/Post36.png Spring 2019 YAWN wants to know - Do you have to be 21 in the state of Connecticut to ferment your own fruit? https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db9029f519a7150a9054669/1572405921589/Post40.png Spring 2019 “I really just have no clue how she does it,” exclaimed Ava Park (’22), “Her skin is so clear! That shouldn’t be allowed. I’ve been waiting for her stress acne to come in for months, but it never does.” YAWN wants to check - you do know the best skin care routine is being rich, right? https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac5f37aa1e3231b4cd16a5/1571577662819/Post55.png Spring 2019 “He’s been with us for as long as we can remember, and he’s a vital part of the Yale community”, announced a beaming Peter Salovey. “There’s no other individual who cares as much about student wellness and has built as many meaningful relationships with the student body. We hope that this small award does some justice to the sometimes thankless work he does, and we hope Josh will be with us for many years to come.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabbfaa8f55ab275d749094/1571536812253/Post65.png Spring 2019 “I bought the Fendi shorts on sale, so I had to get the matching shirt,” explains Louis Lowe (’20). “I can also wear this outfit to lollapalooza, so it’s not like it’s a waste.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabbe888f55ab275d7486a9/1571536525582/Post68.png Spring 2019 YAWN watched as (not our) President Donald Trump anointed Sofia Lexington (‘22) with the coveted presidential medal of bravery for actions he described as “the greatest display of the valor and courage that this country has seen this decade.” We extend our congratulations to this national hero. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db9078a254c3b3918518261/1572407182357/Post30.png Spring 2019 “I don’t get why the Professor is showing up to my section so often. Am I doing a good job?”, asked Justin Paltz, a grad student in the School of Foresty. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90f415b4dbb23581ee8ce/1572409157180/Post17.png Spring 2019 “Who the fuck do you know here, bro? Do you have a grandparent who went here? Do either of your parents have an Honorary Degree? No? Get the fuck out of my face”, screams Dean Walter Cooper, Class of 1988. A Yale Actual Weekly News correspondent looked on as Dean Cooper popped the collar on his brooks brothers dress shirt and rolled up his sleeves, pushing the unfortunate prospective student back. “You’re blacklisted, bro. Don’t ever come around here again. Princeton might be accepting applications.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db898bda3cb3710b1d16ee6/1572378818867/Post46.png Spring 2019 The sounds of Post Malone’s “Congratulations” echoed through the Nave as the Bass Security team danced their way through Starr. A teary Aimee Erlick (’20) sobbed uncontrollably as party streamers and confetti covered her notes. “Can you please just leave me alone?” she sniffled, as the security team placed cupcakes in front of her: “Do you guys have a the answers to this CS Pset?”. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5daf90cd388b9d5733ecf3c4/1571787006815/Post49.png Spring 2019 A Yale Daily News Correspondent sat in Branford dining hall stunned as Artur Yusef (’21) went over his accomplishments through a mouthful of Special K. He boldly claimed he “graduated top of his high school, is ROTC, and finds time for volunteer work on the weekends,” to a visibly bored student sitting across from him. YAWN wonders - does rattling off your unofficial transcript count as an aphrodisiac? https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db900b13799b8041e932e6f/1572405430380/Post45.png Spring 2019 YAWN thinks we’d rather have our genitals in a vice than spend a night with the Sig Nu pledges, but that’s just us. The backyard is decent, though. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac5ebd25e2af536efdc94c/1571577557274/Post56.png Spring 2019 “He’s been with us for as long as we can remember, and he’s a vital part of the Yale community”, announced a beaming Peter Salovey. “There’s no other individual who cares as much about student wellness and has built as many meaningful relationships with the student body. We hope that this small award does some justice to the sometimes thankless work he does, and we hope Josh will be with us for many years to come.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da528e12476aa52899b134b/1571104996163/Post90.png Spring 2019 “Yeah, that was definitely intentional. You definitely weren’t supposed to eat those. It’s not our fault,” nervously laughs John Amber, head of Yale Dining. “We’re not liable for any injuries sustained from eating our eggs today.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52804b4737410bc4e7949/1571104775360/Post92.png Spring 2019 “I think it’ll be a great resume builder and will really show your adaptability, Mr. Uzi Vert,” says Derek Webster, head of the Office of Career Strategy. “I think your resume is lacking when it comes to diversity in performance location. You’d be a better candidate for Goldman with a more rounded skillset. By the way - could you sign my t-shirt?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac5d6e73275234da7734b5/1571577205641/Post59.png Spring 2019 Often the Yale community wonders what powers the ever-so efficient temple of Yale Health. YAWN is here to dispel any confusion. Our dedicated investigative team has unearthed that Yale Health is entirely run by WebMD. If you have a light cough that you’re pretty sure is terminal pneumonia, Yale Health offers an unparalleled piece of mind through tireless google searching. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db91069142fba69a22f6f89/1572409451236/Post16.png Spring 2019 “How darrrrrrrre they? My timbers are literally shaking right now”, Captain Blackpowder rants to a Yale Actual Daily News correspondent on the deck of his pirate ship, The Flying Lady. “These Yale pups have never seen the hardships of the pirate community firsthand. Have they ever had scurvy? You show me one Sig Nu landlubber with a missing leg. I’m waiting.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da5310863b34f150a05dabd/1571107084712/Post78.png Spring 2019 After being forced to disband, DKE has moved their operations underground and — like LEO — rebranded to avoid suspicion. Under the leadership of Dark Lord Kavanaugh, the group plots their continued terrorization of women. Each pledge is now branded with a dark mark on the inside of their left arm. Beware, times are changing. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4ec0ceb655643a778ede9/1571089424385/Post106.png Spring 2019 “I really thought participating in the naked run would exude big dick energy,” proclaims an ever-so-slowly jogging Barry Thomas (‘20). “Doesn’t everything look bigger when it’s slightly blurred?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4f17a2373ff1cd80beac8/1571090814271/Post95.png Spring 2019 “We really thought this would compliment our lack of a moral compass,” reflects Peter Salovey. “There’s really nothing better to add to Yale’s laundry list of offenses recently than our iconic gates reflecting the culture.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90a0557fbbb0401e6a354/1572407814842/Post28.png Spring 2019 “We’ve been hooking up for 3 weeks, so I figured going over to his place and having sex would be better than being single in college for the third year in a row”, Sara Egerton, class of 2020, says distractedly. She’s flicking through tinder, swiping left on photo after photo of guys on the Sig Ep roof during spring fling. “He came in about 2 minutes after telling me he loved me. It was weird." https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90c71142fba69a22f35fd/1572408436791/Post22.png Spring 2019 “Huh, West Coast Citrus Chicken and Plain Cooked Quinoa. Interesting”, remarks Clara Redfield, class of 2022. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db9051bae69931bf8d861f6/1572406558486/Post35.png Spring 2019 Nevertheless, Oxford-Cambridge residents fought through the abrasive wind and cold to get to their beloved Brussel sprout salad. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac601425e2af536efdd1ad/1571577883953/Post53.png Spring 2019 “You’re such a fucking Bill, dude. Stop pretending like you’re Gatsby. Just because you buy beer for freshman doesn’t make you’re a bootlegger”, roars Jay Rhodes (’21). “Don’t even get me started on why Felix and Hamish can’t be Gatsby. They’re both Nicks. I’m the Gatsby in here - I hosted, like, two hundred parties in my suite last year.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90cdeea3e1a497462c396/1572408547850/Post21.png Spring 2019 “GIVE ME A Y”, screams Lucy Crowder. “Y!”, yells Ernest Grant. These two students, both from the class of 2022, have shown the utmost enthusiasm for the Yale Fencing Team at the Ivy League Fencing Round-Robins. Previous to arriving, the two students weren’t made aware that they’d be watching fencing, as Ernest explained to a YAWN reporter. “I was told there would be free GHeav, but I guess this was alright. I put it on my snap story and a bunch of people asked me why I was at a renaissance fair, so that was kinda cool too.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabbf0325e2af536ef96346/1571536651490/Post67.png Spring 2019 ”We regret to inform you that Yale University, while throughly impressed with your family’s socioeconomic status, has placed you on the waitlist for the class of 2023. Do not panic! Enclosed is a pre-addressed envelope with space for a blank check from your grandparents. While we cannot guarantee acceptance should we receive this envelope, we certainly understand that students who donate are of the lowest moral character, devoid of all self-awareness, and entitled - all traits that form the perfect Yale donors.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4ee654c18b6612f3f92ee/1571090028778/Post100.png Spring 2019 “Man, they’re having so much fun down there. And we’re just getting made fun of for sitting when we pee,” says a wistful Thomas Hanson (’22). “Our president says we’re not allowed to leave until we hear God’s Plan for the fifth time.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db906a7ea3e1a49746265a3/1572406956990/Post34.png Spring 2019 When interviewed after meeting his friend Daniel Simon’s “girlfriend,” James Rosenzweig, Class of 2022, had the following to say: “When Daniel introduced us to Rebecca, I thought it was weird that he specified they had grown up together. Daniel and his girlfriend look really similar and you can tell they’ve been together for a while because they have the same mannerisms and bicker a lot.” Weird move, Daniel. YAWN can only imagine what deceptions you’ll pull come Family Weekend. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabc024196e61676ebb3c32/1571536936470/Post64.png Spring 2019 “She’ll love this, trust me,” said Ishmael Tsarvos, Instagram employee. “He used to text her about his baseball games and then sent her an unsolicited dick pic before prom - she must want to follow him, right?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac5e4273275234da773a21/1571577417539/Post57.png Spring 2019 “Holy shit, 56 views?! My OP-Ed on three-cup milk drinkers broke the record!” Brixton O'Caley (‘19) roared during the latest YDN Boardroom meeting, uncorking a bottle of Martinelli’s Premium Apple Cider and spraying it onto the crowd to resounding screams and high fives. “I just want to thank my 56 editors for all the work they put into this. I really thought we’d be stuck in the 55 view rut, but you know that new guy we hired? Damn. He’s the X factor.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90eb0ea3e1a497462dd87/1572409012209/Post18.png Spring 2019 “I’m going to tell you like I told your friend before you, I can’t let you in right now. We can’t let anybody in until someone leaves. You’re going to have to wait. If you give me your resume I can put you on the list for next time though”, explains Bill Wu, head of recruiting for McKinsey, to a disgruntled Sig Ep Brother. Bill continued to say that “nobody can get in until our merger is done, and even then we’d still be full. I can’t do anything about it. Stop pushing and form a line. Nobody’s going to get in if you aren’t in a line. If you don’t want to wait, I heard BGC and Accenture are taking applications tonight.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d96c4dd65ce826fe94c85c5/1570161890459/Post109.png Spring 2019 “How good do you think the TSA X-rays are?” Inquires Kyle Benson (‘21) to an empty room. “They’ll be like, this man can fuck. He’s could have been such a Casanova. Literally, this man could have fucked a different person every night for an entire semester.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5daf95af5c3e1d24338d588a/1571788211224/Post48.png Spring 2019 “I don’t get it. What’s so crazy about having parties every night? Is it a birthday party every night? Is it a mixer?” inquires James Skarsgård (’20). “I just don’t get why people are getting so excited to drink on a Monday night - have they never done it before?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52c2bb4737410bc4ec2ad/1571105838649/Post80.png Spring 2019 “Oh, please leave me alone,” whispers Casper the Cross Campus Bench (‘02). “I can only handle so much poorly played guitar –Wonderwall, Blackbird – and pretend reading in one day.” Casper continued that, after years of being used by soft boys trying to be seen, he could only stay silent so much longer. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da53443f67f2217cb32f520/1571107910350/Post74.png Spring 2019 "I swear to god I’ve had thirty of these Jew Lo Shots and I’m just fucking full!” screams Andy Goldman (‘22), visibly sugar tweaking. “I didn’t even pre-game this thing because I thought I’d get here and be able to get blackout. Are you telling me I’m going to barf and I have to REMEMBER IT?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90443ae69931bf8d852f1/1572406342755/Post37.png Spring 2019 “Fuck, the Student Income Contribution is so unfair and it totally sucks that you have to work 15 hours a week to meet it. I empathize - It was really hard at my unpaid internship last summer. Economic equality is so important”, said Lilly Parsons (‘20), who YAWN stopped on her way to drop off her laundry service bag in Farnham. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90aeac796393b54a31390/1572408045646/Post25.png Spring 2019 In an impressive sweep, Adam Marks, class of 2020, just secured the highly selective position as Analytics Intern at a major business corporation without ever even taking an S&DS course! The company must have recognized his intrinsic talent when reading his application. Funnily enough, Adam’s dad works at the firm too – as CEO! Now, the firm hopes to write off the Marks’ carpooling as their environmental efforts for the fiscal year. Who woulda thought? It’s funny how these kinds of crazy coincidences happen, huh? https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90e12254c3b391851dbef/1572408854737/Post20.png Spring 2019 “Was that a D flat? No, B major? She’s definitely singing in staccato”, argue Joey Tucker and Tommy Woodward (both class of 2020). Joey explained to a YAWN correspondent that “they do this two or three times a week. It doesn’t sound like any sex I’ve ever heard. They’re intentionally trying to match pitch or something”. Tommy added that “with one in Shades and one in Whiffs, it can be a lot. But we understand the need to practice for the V-Day Jam.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e4f4156a4b27692342f7/1572922614143/Post15.png Spring 2019 Joanne Pine spoke on behalf of Human Resources at Yale. Joanne and the HR department as a whole are exploring an aggressive campaign to hire professors with more diverse breeds of dogs. “For a long period of time, Yale has been a predominantly golden retriever campus. We’re excited to be looking into expanding options for professors with Saint Bernards, Corgis, and Greyhounds. Yale is always looking to improve the social environment on campus.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db8490ea08bbd6576e8e7fb/1572358417304/Post47.png Spring 2019 YAWN caught Isobel Rodriguez (’20) in Yorkside on Saturday night where – in between bites of pizza – she had made observations about the Qpacers leaving Soads. “Look, like I’m not sexist and like totally wear whatever you want like I love female empowerment, but aren’t they cold in clothes that small? Or can they just not afford coats? It’s so embarrassing how desperate they are to get with our Yale men just because we’re more elite. I mean I’m totally a feminist, I just think those girls are funny!” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e5acc6c7956e5fb84f5f/1572922798268/Post9.png Spring 2019 Matt Tamber, class of 2020 explains he’s “not usually the type of guy to do a grand romantic gesture. But it was something about how she didn’t text me back either that made me really want her”. “Yeah”, Mia Trujilo, class of 2021 chimes in, “I figured that with all the shitty weather that I’d be down to have sex somewhere other than his poorly insulated room.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabbe09ca3a6955cc1752cd/1571536398225/Post69.png Spring 2019 “Yeah, I slept in until 3:00. Sorry about missing the e-board meeting,” mumbles Andy Reyes (‘20). “I also need to reschedule my Yale Dems lunch. I haven’t been to class for two weeks and have two midterms on Monday I haven’t studied for.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52ba146f22429a59816e4/1571105701184/Post81.png Spring 2019 “Something just doesn’t seem right. If they really wanted to make things right, their bitmoji wouldn’t be watching me as I read their poorly structured essay on why their hookup at Box with my ex shouldn’t matter to our friendship,” explains Steph Carroll (’19). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dac608e25e2af536efdd4e4/1571578006133/Post52.png Spring 2019 “I pay your salary” reviews a furious Lorin Mohammad (‘20) in a down and dirty Helvetica. “What do you mean “I have to go to section” and “study?” Getting out of bed is supposed to be the hardest part of a 2.1 course-table workload.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90196254c3b3918511a31/1572405656454/Post43.png Spring 2019 “I found a Snapchat of myself eating a BEC on my camera roll this morning. Josh knows my usual order doesn’t have avocado, but I think I see a little green between the melted cheese. Do you think he’d remember if I asked? Whatever, calories don’t count if you don’t remember them, right?” ponders Anna Blake (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da5325b406fc94f2263ba3b/1571107437123/ Spring 2019 “Ever since I arrived on campus I’ve felt out of place,” pens Grace Swift (’21) in an Op-Ed, “I saw all my friends with large blue bags with their names etched on the side and didn’t understand why I didn’t have one either. I stumbled into Bingham my first-year and after pouring detergent straight into the machine the first few times, I figured out how to be a strong and independent woman. Unlike my coddled friends, I have learned valuable lessons of independence, organization, and perseverance. I even wrote my name on the side of my laundry basket.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da529c2b4737410bc4e97f4/1571105220641/Post87.png Spring 2019 “I know I drank most of the mimosas, but you’re still paying for half of the bill. It’s only fair!” whines Julia Tang (‘20). “I charge everything to my mom’s account but I still need you to venmo me.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90376ae69931bf8d83faf/1572406138921/Post39.png Spring 2019 “Oh, you lost your juul? That’s too bad. I just bought this one.This isn’t Juulius Caesar - No, you can’t see the back of it. These are my pods too”, insists James Perry (’20). YAWN watched as James’ disgruntled roommate walked out of the room, to which James muttered “fucking loser.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5daf8f9c9e306603ccc97f6a/1571786659955/Post51.png Spring 2019 “I really have no idea how it happened,” claimed a panicked Stephanie Chun (‘22). “I was just putting a Patagonia sticker on my first Nalgene and all of a sudden they told me I was going to shit in the woods and EA Applicants in FOOT t-shirts started following me around Cross Campus. I’ve never shit in a plastic bag before. I don’t want to do this.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8a3d187651132a6496738e/1570073333052/Post7.png Spring 2019 Noticeably biting her lip, Sarah Cunning (‘22), is noticeably single on Super Bowl Sunday. She sits alone, clutching a white claw, on a large beanbag in her old campus suite full of other first-years. “Why can’t I find a guy like that ” she texts her friend. “It’s been a slow semester for me, but even if I found a consistent hookup, nobody kisses like Tom. He just does it so well. I can tell”. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db9056bea3e1a49746252a8/1572406639949/Post29.png Spring 2019 When asked why she ghosted a Sig Ep pledge, new Theta Ellie Marshall, class of 2022, defended with the following: “So he gave me his number at Box and, honestly, I thought that I liked him. But then I looked at the number and I didn’t recognize the area code… If you’re not a 917, 305, 650, 914, 312, or 415, I’m not interested.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db910c8ae69931bf8d907a6/1572409547905/Post13.png Spring 2019 Yale Actual Weekly News Interviewed Alexa Ross, class of 2020, in the backyard of a crowded LEO. “I was just fucking tired of Computer Science. I can’t stand it, honestly. It’s a Friday and I want to go out. It had been, like, 45 minutes in Bass and I just needed a drink. I don’t even like beer but they didn’t have G and T’s here so I guess I’m settling for beer. It’s my fourth time drinking this week but it’s just because I don’t have work other than this Pset and a midterm on Tuesday”. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8a3c0ac042270c3f57ffd2/1570073385883/Post1.png Spring 2019 “It’s just really hard” complained Adam Lafayette, class of 2020. “People just expect me to be this deep, introspective guy. I’m just in this for the ability to scoff at STEM majors and have a photo of myself in an art gallery on my tinder. I don’t LIKE wearing Doc Martens every day. Do you know how uncomfortable they are? They don’t even look good”. Picking at the study abroad stickers on his laptop, Adam was clearly concerned with his Instagram following, checking it seven times during our interview. “Yeah, I know I post a lot of photos on my story. Yeah, I know it’s muted for most people. I do it just in case people check in, I guess”. When asked if he enjoyed what he was doing, Adam said he “wanted to be a English Major, I swear. I just took one drawing course and people started asking me if I was majoring in Art because I wore a lot of corduroy”. He sighs, tucking his pin rolled beanie into his Eastpak backpack. “I did it to myself though. Fence is fun, though”. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4f1024c18b6612f3fca3b/1571090695665/Post96.png Spring 2019 “The admitted student experience just wasn’t as great as I thought it would be,” explained Symere Woods, Stanford Class of 2023. “I slept on the floor in ‘L-Dub’ with six other pre-freshmen, it smelled like shit, and I saw three mice. Not to mention the SIC. It isn’t what I expected from a world-class university.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e4cad0b16d629e7c4e05/1572922572643/Post10.png Spring 2019 “Dark Lord, please allow us to offer you these four hundred souls in exchange for Quavo in 2020. We will also settle for Offset but Takeoff isn’t alright”, chant the Yale Spring Fling committee in Lily’s Pad. Yale Actual Weekly News advises keeping an eye out for anybody offering to lock you in chains (it’s not a sex thing, we promise) and warns against those wearing dark hoods. Happy Woadsing! UPDATE: They got Uzi. Someone’s dead for sure. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da533caeb93e035580d0ff3/1571107790905/Post75.png Spring 2019 “Oh god - I hope he doesn’t show up. We’re going to do a cover of ‘Mr. Brightside’ and hopefully get some buzz for our show in the Hopper Cabaret. The guy has an actual artist’s Spotify page and I don’t even have premium. We’d look like fucking amateurs! I don’t even know how to play this guitar I’m holding,” explains a nervous Joe Tomlinson (’22). “It would be like a middle school basketball team playing against Lebron.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ac6acf9c5e647dc458320/1570073092527/Post11.png Spring 2019 As Yale enjoyed a uncharacteristically sunny Monday, specialists have warned the community to brace for a winter storm of Bid Night photos. Sororities Kappa, APhi, Theta, and Pi Phi have planned a simultaneous bid night, ensuring at least one Instagram/Snapchat post for each of their 100 or so members. Experts have advised staying away from social media apps for the next three days, staying inside, and wearing headphones to drone out the noise of cliché chants and squealing. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db90a8f57fbbb0401e6ab9e/1572407954869/Post27.png Spring 2019 “It was the only logical step to make”, explains a Pi Phi, class unknown. A leather dominatrix mask obscures her face. “We’ve always said that each class of Pi Phis has to make every event better and better, and this was a clear step up from last year’s boring question-and-answer format. We figured this would be the best way to bring our new Pi Phi babies together and we’re sure it’ll prove to be an invaluable bondage - I mean bonding - event.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4f07a4a448c3d83b37808/1571090560175/Post97.png Spring 2019 “I may not know your name — or even remember what class we took together — but every time we make eye contact on Hillhouse I know you know I’m thinking it too: Fuck Alex.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e65739784504a015982a/1572922971603/Post8.png Spring 2019 “I really don’t think my suitemates and the girls on my floor mind, honestly. I’m sure they’d understand if they knew what my schedule was like, and I’m confident they don’t know that I’m doing it either”, explains Dan Brown, class of 2020. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ac639d73a564f2ff1986d/1569375804289/Post5.jpg Spring 2019 Walking out of West Haven High School, Barry Stephenson (‘21), high-fives his mom through the window of the red minivan. Joining us in the backseat, he reclines his seat and takes a sip of his chocolate milk. “Yeah, it was just as easy as I remembered”, he sneers, “Did they really think that they could stump me with a question about derivatives? Fucking idiots. I looked over to my neighbor and they were crying - can you imagine? I didn’t even have to study this time. I got a perfect score on my first attempt in Junior year and hadn’t even gone to my tutor that much. I just did the practice tests. I can’t believe people think that’s a challenge. Have I told you about my AP scores?” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52945f67f2217cb325790/1571105094951/Post89.png Spring 2019 “What are you doing this summer?” asks Rodrigo Redford (‘21) before continuing without so much as a breath. “I got an internship at Vogue and am also working in a lab at NIH. But I’m doing it all in Chinese through the Light Fellowship.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e53baeb09c7dd2033c27/1572922690070/Post14.png Spring 2019 “Check out how cool she is in her Canada goose!! Like wow, we get it, you’re in the top 1% and are cold so you have to flex your wealth. She’s all like ‘ohhh i hate the poor and the animals’ with that coat. Probably went to Andover, too.” Yale Actual Weekly News thanks Kyle Long, class of 2021! We appreciate the acute observation and nuanced humor. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da4ec71eb655643a778f332/1571089527524/Post105.png Spring 2019 “Can you come pick me up? I need a hug and some of your banana bread. Or both. Please? I’m going to fail every class, I need a 106 on my Physics finals to maintain my GPA, and everyone here hates me. Oh, and I’ve only eaten Durfee’s PopCorners, Verb energy bars, and coffee for three days. I think I can hear my brain think. Mom? Are you still there?” wails Riley Buchmaister (’20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da52a89eb93e035580c875b/1571105421574/Post84.png Spring 2019 “I would honestly pay someone to burn down the bell tower just so I wouldn’t have to hear ‘Bright College Years’ one more fucking time,” laments Genevieve Larousse (‘21). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dabbdb6aa1e3231b4c891ed/1571536314637/Post70.png Spring 2019 “Why are all of these women studying here? I think they might be lost,” whispers a concerned Eugene Arison (’55). “Back in my day, women were lining up around the block to meet a Yale man. Why aren’t they fawning over them? Everything is wrong.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5da53619b4737410bc4f4f30/1571108381843/Post72.png Spring 2019 “We won’t be the undisputed top house until those losers at Sig Nu and Sig Ep are reduced to a pile of rubble,” screamed LEO Brother Erik Nilsson (’20) over the sound of the rockets being fired from the fire escape. “We started by throwing stuff into their backyards, but this was the only logical progression.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8a3be47651132a64965a81/1569340391554/Post1.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8a3c8a9bba51665990da42/1569340564965/Post3.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ac65e69eec35484de34f2/1569375840471/Post7.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5d8ac66fd73a564f2ff19ac3/1569375857742/Post5.jpg Spring 2019 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https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5db910a5dc253e6bed83ff3b/1572409529407/Post13.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e44484d17d48a3d0fd39/1572922449859/Post15.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e4a9d0b16d629e7c4b37/1572922530071/Post10.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e521d0b16d629e7c5685/1572922668902/Post14.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e5733a315156f279912f/1572922761208/Post9.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e5e939784504a0158eba/1572922850201/Post4.png Spring 2019 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc0e63339784504a0159370/1572922949041/Post8.png Spring 2019 https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/extras daily 0.75 2019-11-21 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5dc1ab2098c3c846ef248a08/1572973349632/SongCover.png Extras https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/spring-2020 daily 0.75 2020-03-16 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eebc4f26ba22b999b8e14/1584327621996/Post220.png Spring 2020 “Second semester senior year may be late to change your major, but I am just suddenly fascinated by Greek Myth and Ritual!” says Maria Sanchez (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eede4fd82d42cb28a31f6/1584328166305/Post224.png Spring 2020 “Just wanted to say hi!” exclaims Ricky Smith as he guns it down Chapel Street at 5 AM. “Hope shopping isn’t too stressful. Might as well get up early to do some blue booking!” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eec2173af576a4faafefc/1584327727656/Post221.png Spring 2020 “Pizza is just like cheese, you know. You can cut off the moldy parts and it’s fine,” reasons Sam Ertz (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eecb991b9d045ddada168/1584327874195/Post222.png Spring 2020 “I was late to a class and had no other option. Am I going to get arrested?” asks Elijah Larson (‘20). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eee4077c35d46162ff1ef/1584328258333/Post225.png Spring 2020 “Solidarity for who?” comments Peter Salovey as protesters sit outside his recording studio. “Can’t hear you over the sound of this sick vibe with my special guest Dean L.” https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eed67931e6a27c223706b/1584328042613/Post223.png Spring 2020 “I’m the reigning champ. They won’t admit it, but everyone in here wishes they were me. I won’t do a shot with you because I don’t drink,” says Sammy Lang (‘22). https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eebb121ba4c554351cba8/1584327592268/Post220.png Spring 2020 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eec11f26ba22b999b9bb3/1584327691550/Post221.png Spring 2020 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eecaa73af576a4fab16a3/1584327843332/Post222.png Spring 2020 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eeda8931e6a27c2237a4f/1584328097391/Post224.png Spring 2020 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5e6eee2e50eead5473f3591f/1584328224647/Post225.png Spring 2020 https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/our-team daily 0.75 2021-08-25 https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/61268547b5b36e3cfd186201/1629914448812/IMG_1616.jpg Our Team - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5ee68c6a2fe2c41cde103b71/1592167538292/LindsayPhoto.jpg Our Team https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/6126865621ae835fc6389c3c/1629914724110/IMG_0177.jpg Our Team https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/61268561d7866a4e4181b3c9/1629914612508/IMG_1614.jpg Our Team - Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5d8a1602cd6a2255c38bad41/t/5ee68c4f0948d518c0cbcb81/1592167511566/SolPhoto.jpg Our Team https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/contact daily 0.75 2019-11-10 https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/write-for-us daily 0.75 2020-06-14 https://www.yaleactualweeklynews.com/how-to-write-a-headline daily 0.75 2020-06-14